I get bored a lot these days. I’ll get off of work, not really have any plans, and just kinda sit around waiting for something to happen. So, my mind wanders and eventually I find myself registering on match making web sites with little actual interest in meeting other people. Now, I’m sure plenty of you people have checked out these things at least once. Basically, you make yourself a little self description and hope the people that email you aren’t insane killers. So, since I’m the adventurous type, I decided to go ahead and register myself.

I thought about making up some funny stuff to put in it, like naming myself Rodriguez Montague and saying my profession is circus clown or hitman or something. I had some good user name ideas, like CreepyAxeMan and BlackSatan. But, I decided to just stick with breakspirit and fill out my info normally, in hopes that maybe some chick will see me and wish my wang was in her mouth. My description, as seen by others, is below.

So, since I was now flaunting my hot body all over the internet, I decided I should go look for some hot honeys to seduce. So, I went ahead and searched for women within 50 miles of me. To be honest, I was expecting to see a lot of girls my age. Maybe some cute ones. What I got shall forever be etched into my mind as the most horrible display of human suffering ever recorded.

Exhibit A:

GOOD LORD! Is that a smile or some sort of warning to stay away at risk of vicious biting? Really, she could be a perfectly attractive woman, but I can’t tell because shes covered in some sort of feathery pillow and she looks like she’s about to eat me. Could you honestly say you’d ever let this woman’s mouth near your wang after seeing this picture? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I’m personally very turned off by mental images of this woman biting into my tender flesh.

Exhibit B:

I seriously almost feel bad for making fun of this person. I mean, really, its incredibly sad. But, the fact remains that this is the biggest turn-off picture that could possibly be taken. First, the girl is freaking horrible looking. She seems to be crosseyed or something and possibly has had a bus or two run into her face. Second, she’s holding a freaking baby. And yes, I checked and it is her baby. And she was like 19. Now, sometimes you can have a baby in a picture with you and it goes over really well if the baby is all cute and smiling. This baby looks like a combination of scared and depressed. I mean, its a really cute baby and all, but why would you put this picture on a dating web site? I’m sick of trying to make fun of this picture, I think its really just too sad now that I think about it.

Exhibit C:

Seriously, do I even need to say anything? She doesn’t even have a damn lower lip. Even the most pathetic of social rejects have the common decency to have a lower lip. I knew this guy, Sancho Montez. He had no face because it got burned off in the war, but even he had his lower lip still. Plus, he didn’t dress up in what appears to be a mental institution robe and try to look insane in match maker web site pictures. Well, except for that one time, but he was really drunk.

Granted, not all of the people I found looked like this. Some were actually pretty decent. So, I selected some of the finer choices and gave them a “wink.” That basically means I just had match.com send them an email saying I was interested in them. My plan then was to sit there and let the chicks all pour in. So, I waited. And checked my email. And waited. Several hours later, I still had no responses to any of my blatant flirting.

For reasons I can’t even begin to fathom, this made me very sad. I couldn’t even get imaginary online chicks to talk to me. I mean, sure, I was the lowest age allowed to participate in this and most of the people I winked were like 3 or 4 years older than me. I don’t think that means I deserve this kind of treatment. Yeah, the woman shown here may be really hot and cute, but apparently she’s too good to reply to a poor Illinois guy’s winks. This is when I decided to lower my standards. I figured if I found some really desperate ugly chicks, I’d be sure to get some responses. So, after some looking, I found SweetbutUnloved, a nice Waterloo, IL girl who said her men always treat her like crap and she wants someone nice. I figure I’m a decently nice person, so why not wink at her? Match.com even said that she was online at the time, so she’d be sure to see my winks. Two hours later, after getting no responses from anyone, I’d given up on life. My only hope at lifting my spirits again was to look up manish women seeking women. I have decided that making fun of ugly lesbians is really the only good thing about match.com. Other than that, it is just a big compilation of circus mutants and hotter-than-is-realistic women that won’t even talk to me. In conclusion, match.com can’t compare to the old tried and true methods of meeting women, like drugging strangers and taking them home with you. I think that method is less likely to lead to you getting axe murdered anyway.

-Kevin