Alright, you know what this is about, I’m sure. I’ve become what I like to call “GOD OF MATCH.COM.” Having winked at about 45 women, gotten like 6 from others, and having been viewed over 100 times, you might think I’ve had some success. Well, I’m still at zero emails from anyone else. So, whenever I’m bored I randomly search around for the weirdest people I can find, which isn’t hard at all. Let’s get this show on the road.

Ok, let me start by saying I SWEAR TO GOD it says this is a woman. I saw this and I even had to check its profile to make sure there wasn’t some sort of mix up. I guess it’s got pretty nice legs, so it could be considered feminine in a way. However, the mannish hair, neck, and facial appearance tell me otherwise. Personally, I find the refridgerator more attractive than the person.










This woman doesn’t look too odd. I mean, people are allowed to be ugly, there’s nothing wrong with that. However, it’s not every day that you see someone who is apparently hanging out on the sun. It’s easy to tell she’s on the sun by the crazy yellow light all over her and the pitch black shadow she’s casting. I read her profile to see if she mentions anything about her life living on the sun, or how she manages to survive in such a harsh environment, but she never really brought it up.

Alright, this is just too easy. I don’t even think I need to write anything for this to be funny to pretty much everyone. I’ll just mention some of the highlights. First, the mysterious lack of a shirt. Second, the crack-whore hair. Third, This is too easy, that’s it.

A bizarre phenomenon I’ve discovered is that for some reason, the older chicks on match.com very seldom have grotesque pictures of themselves like the 19 year olds often do. I was looking for ugly chicks around 30 and I just kept seeing decently attractive women like this one. I guess age makes you realize that people prefer good-looking over horribly-ugly. By the way, this chick is 27 and says she’s “fishing for cod,” whatever that means.

And finally, we come to this chick. There’s nothing wrong with her or anything, but it’s worth mentioning a few things about her. Here’s what she wrote about herself:

I’m a nice girl from Sweden. I would like to get to know Americans in my age. I need someone to show me your country and someone I can have fun with. Going to clubs, dancing and other things you can do around here. I have only been here in the US for almost 2 months. Since English isn’t my first language, I’m still adjusting and learning. I would like to meet a nice, concerning and social guy who like the small things in life.

So, obviously, that got me all interested, so I winked her with mucho gusto. And, sure enough, she winked right back. And that’s all. I can’t email her because I’m way too cheap to pay match.com anything ever, so I’m stuck just imagining how great European women are. Seriously, I’d like nothing more than to “show her around,” if you get what I mean. If you don’t, then I’ll just say I’d like nothing more than to “have sex with her.” I figure that’s probably a little clearer.

Alright, that’s it for this installment. The moral of this article is that there are many many horrible people in our world, and I’m better than all of them.
Fin.

-Kevin