Ah yes. Match.com, my old friend. You have brought so much joy to the world through your incredible collection of unbelievably horrible mutants. I have become a master of Match.com through my years of experience and my dedication to you, my loyal subjects. And now, I will give you what you’ve secretly been yearning for all this time. That’s right. Match.com has returned and it brought a whole fucking bag full of pure humor just for you. If you’re like me and you love making fun of people less attractive or successful than you, then this is the place for you. Now fasten yourself in because this ain’t your daddy’s Match.com, mofo!

Well, now what do we have here? I smelled comedy GOLD from the second I saw this. I don’t even know what to say about it, so I’ll let her do the talking:

“I realy don’t now what to say about my self you would have to get to now me to se how I am. The person I would like to meat would have to like some of the same stuff that I do. I don’t now what else to say about the prson i’d like to meet. I whant someone that is anest and whon’t lie, cheat, or still frome me. I’v been hert to many times and don’t whant to get hert again.”

Oh yes. Comedy GOLD.

Oh wow here we go. This chick obviously knows how to play the game. Let’s see what kind of sexy stuff she says about herself…

“well i gonna say this one more time i am a transexual!!! im 5/9 freen eyes light tan cuban/american . im looking for a man who good looking fit ,in shape…..muscles!!!!!! and who sencere affectionate, caring, loyal , fun,goofy ,sexy ,….and i need a guy who knows how to treat al lady in all aspects …and repectfull!!!!”
Son of a fucking BITCH. I swear to God this really is on there, I couldn’t make this shit up, despite my amazing super power to make crazy shit up. She never explains exactly what freen eyes are, but I’m assuming it has something to do with her lack of genitals.

That’s a nice set of chins she’s got there. If you aren’t already sold on her, she goes on to explain her ownership of a child and other unattractive things. I swear these people should really see me coming by now.

At first, I considered not using this girl. I mean, I actually respect her. She’s done what so few others are willing to do and revived the lost art of arm pit porn. I really thought that these kids today couldn’t appreciate a sexy arm pit anymore. She even went so far as to dim her lights to create a sexy mood for it. Sure, you can barely see her there, but my imagination is already full of all kinds of ridiculously sexy arm pit antics.

I’m totally serious when I say that I think some people are TRYING to get on these articles I write. Why, oh why, would a sane human being take a picture of themself posing as an insane gorilla and then put it up on a match-making website? There are only two possible answers:
1. The person is out of their mind.
2. She is, in reality, an insane gorilla.
I don’t know, maybe I’m being too harsh on her. Upon reevaluating the picture, I’ve decided that no, I’m really not being too harsh. She is indeed some sort of psychotic gorilla which has escaped from a local zoo.

Hooo boy. In times like these, I find it’s hard to pick exactly what I want to say out of the huge array of options in my head. So, this time, I went for a pictoral illustration of what I’m thinking:

Here we have a classic example of a decent looking human being being a total dumbass. I hope I’m not alone in my opinion that this picture is just bizarre. Hm… Perhaps, though, I’m not giving her enough credit. I mean, for all I know, she was just walking around late at night in an alley next to a blood-red building, carrying her trumpet after a concert and someone shined a light only on her face and took a picture. I could see that happening, to be honest.

In a past Match.com article, I ridiculed a girl for showing a picture of herself and her baby in which the baby looked depressed and terrified. I just thought I’d end this segment with an example of the same kind of picture done surprisingly well. I mean, the girl is still freakish, but the baby is kinda cute. And, in the end, what’s more important in life than cute babies? I’m sure you know how I’d answer that question. See ya, bitches.

-Kevin