Like the rising of the tides and the setting up the sun, you knew it would come eventually. That’s right, there’s more match.com fun and excitement hot and ready just for you. I was thinking, though, about my methods. The previous articles were mostly filled with women or rhinoceroses, but no men. I know the ladies love me and my web site, so I figured I should find some pathetic failures that happen to have penises located somewhere on their bodies. However, I came to a realization that I didn’t expect. For some reason, it is much harder to find horrible looking guys on here than it is to find horrible looking women. I know that there are just as many freaks with wangs as there are freaks without them, so I don’t know what has caused this discrepancy. I believe it’s that guys are not as desperate for a partner as women are, so they are less inclined to make an ass out of themselves.

Another interesting thing is the frequency with which I find people I know on match.com. Don’t worry, I won’t write about you if I find your bitch ass on here. I have yet to find anyone cool on here, though, and that includes myself. Just kidding, my mom says I’m the coolest kid she knows…No she doesn’t =(

I really think it would be best to let him do the talking on this one…
“I want to find a girl or guy. Someone who will love me for who I am. I’m a good guy who will take care of you and your needs. I’m really good guy, and like good girls or guys. I like to wear a lot of leather, so get used to that. How about we go out for some coffee or something? You want to? Sounds good to me, I’m the type of guy who is going to drink some coffee. I like to drink just about anything, so lets have some fun!
for fun:

I like to take walks in the park. Feed my 15 cats, watch the sunset, and collect bugs.”
Wow, some lucky lady is going to catch herself a bald bisexual cat and bug collector. This makes me feel a lot better about myself.

This has to be a joke. There is no way there exists a real human being that would dress like that and then put this picture on a website based around finding people willing to have sex with you. I get the feeling he’s not going to accomplish that goal using that picture, but I don’t claim to know everything about what women like. For all I know, women become massively sexually charged when they see men wearing bow ties and goofy glasses and pillow hair. He is, however, a charming linguist and had the following to say to any potential love partners…

“Hey, if you haven’t met me yet, read on bold hotties, for I might just be what you’re hunting for. I’m a multi-faceted dude with many interests and many talents, and I’m looking for a pretty lady to waste some time on.”

In classic match.com tradition, some one-eared guy decided to go ahead and post a weird-ass looking picture of himself trying to look like a gangster. The first thing I think of when I see this guy is him standing on a dock in the middle of the night readying some concrete shoes for someone he needs to dispose of. And then, for some ridiculous reason only he would be able to comprehend, he decides to go into one of those little photo booths and take a picture of himself looking out for cops and showing off his new leather jacket or something. When will those silly murderer gangsters ever learn?

I didn’t actually find this one on match.com, but I knew it had to be shown to the public. I found it long ago and have always thought it was one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen. I don’t know why, but the idea of that mostly innocent and well-to-do lady saying those things really makes me laugh. Now, you all may share in the joy I get out of this weird, horny woman.

I hate when this happens to me. I’ll be sitting at a party, minding my own business, and a little kid will come up and write all over why whole head with a red crayon. And then, if that isn’t bad enough, some one will come up and take a picture of it! I feel so sorry for this poor man. I admire that he was able to smile despite such humiliation, though. It gives a new meaning to the term “red head” though. It also makes me wish I could think of better jokes about a big red head. =/

I’ve been doing these match.com articles for a long time now, and I’ve seen lots of crazy things. However, none has ever made me feel the emotional response that I felt from Anneqcl. I don’t know why exactly I clicked her picture. I mean, she’s a full 7 years older than me, so it’s not like it was an attraction thing. Something in her little asian smile made me wonder what she had to say. So, I checked out her little profile jazzer. In it, I found some of the most beautiful writing I have ever read. For those of you so inclinded, here are some exerpts of her profile.

“After finishing a full day’s work, on my way home, I often look up at the stars shining in the dark blue sky and ask myself: In addition to days full of challenges, self-growth, and creative sparkle, what would complete a beautiful life? Isn’t it to have another person, who can open his eyes, open his ears, and open his heart to me? Exchanging the stories that we experience during the day, sharing the beauty, the lightness, and the heaviness of life with each other, and collecting pieces and pieces of memory with common colors filling in everywhere in the long but short life journey, what a fulfilling life it could be! Two years ago, I moved to St Louis to pursue a science career. I have great enthusiasm for my research. Deep in my heart, I believe that something extraordinary is possible behind daily experiments, behind crystal clear data analysis, and behind intense, serious, and fun scientific discussions. But life is a multi-dimensional maze and I would love to explore it with my eyes and my heart wide open, experiencing the beauty of growing with another person. I wish every time I turn and look, there would be a pair of eyes that I can look into and be absorbed, that I can interpret and smile at. I don’t want to ever give up the dream of establishing a free and fulfilling kingdom with another person, whose mind I can bond with, and whose heart I can trust and rely on. Two people, made even more alive by their relationship, should be able to fly together in the blue sky with overlapping wings but still be able to embrace the free sunshine independently!

last read:
I am fascinated with Hermann Hesse’s Glass Bead Game and Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables – strange contrast, isn’t it? But doesn’t it make sense that a heart, which is craving the beauty of its spiritual homeland, is absorbed by both books?”

I’m being completely honest when I say that I strongly got the urge to write this little asian woman a letter saying how much I wish I could give her the things she wants and to tell her how beautiful her writing is. It made me surprisingly sad and unable to continue finding freaks for the night. So, enjoy these things that I have given you while I go pray that Anneqcl finds someone nice for herself.

-Kevin