I’ve proven many times that the world is full of twisted mutant people. However, I wondered what kinds of monsters actually live near me, in the St. Louis area. I decided to check out the local scene on my old friend, Match.com. My results were both unsurprising and sickening.

Here we have a totally normal looking young lady. At first glance, nothing funny comes to mind and all is well in the universe. Unfortunately, that all horribly crumbled when I read her profile.

About me and who I’d like to date: “i am good to be what and i love to have fun i wood funlove a nice guy how is kind hered and still love to have fun going out on the town for him is not a bad thing to hear for me at all and is wield and fun to be whet to”

I guess I can’t blame the girl for funloving nice guys and wanting a guy who is wield and fun to be whet to. I don’t really think match.com is the place for that kind of language, though. I think she should at least have had the common decency to leave dirty talk for the second date.

I was actually somewhat shocked to see that a clown whale lives near me. I figured that our lack of oceans or giant circus tents would cause them to live elsewhere. I’m not sure if it’s just her hair that makes her look clownish, but I’d bet money that she ate the whole circus, audience and all.

Here is an artist’s idea of what she might have looked like at the time of the feasting.

Ok, I don’t know what kind of shitty construction company hires 18 year old alcoholic girls, but I hope I never enter a building made by them. In addition, I’m going to assume her friend there is Asian, judging by that one weird looking eye. The profile didn’t say why her friend isn’t wearing a plastic hat on the construction site, but it’s probably because Asians move way faster than falling debris anyway. In the event of an accident, the friend would have plenty of time to get out of danger and laugh while the dumb American was crushed by falling steel. Doubly so if the girl was fucking drunk at the time.

I have to be honest. At first, I didn’t even know what was going on here. If I were to take the most literal interpretation, I’d say she’s eating her own shoe. However, I took an art class a couple of years ago, so I’ve been trained to see the deeper meaning behind things like this. You see, she isn’t trying to eat a shoe, because that’s obviously gross. She’s actually trying NOT to eat it. However, her male oppressors force her to eat her shoe because shoes represent WALKING, which is done at WORK. And, as any woman or art student knows, women aren’t treated fairly at work. So, this picture is her way of crying out against the injustices done to women workers everyday. I’m not interested in her feminism bullshit, though, so I didn’t want to talk to her.

Ah, the classic shirtless moron who thinks being shirtless is attractive or acceptable in our society. Wait, let me take that back. Being shirtless is fine if you’re alone and/or in good shape(and you’re a woman). If, however, you’re a pale loser, it’s not so good. I admire this dude, though, I really do. It takes serious courage to humiliate yourself in front of thousands of people on the internet. Plus, I’m humiliating him in front of nearly a half dozen more!

I don’t actually have anything to say about this guy, I just thought this picture was funny. Really, if this dude got contacts and a tan, he’d be pretty decent looking. I suppose you could say the same thing about a lot of ugly people, though. When will they ever learn?

As usual, I’d like to end this one with a girl who caught my eye for normal reasons. This chick obviously knows how to play her cards right. She had a few pictures like this on her profile, but this one was the sexiest. So, I of course had to wink her. And, of course, I got no response. Week after week. I have yet to discover what makes me so horribly undesirable on this damn match.com nonsense, but I’d appreciate it if someone could enlighten me. A friend of mine recently signed himself up on it and was getting emails from chicks in no time. I, on the other hand, have yet to get any kind of response at all, and I’ve been a member for YEARS. I’ll admit that the dude is better looking than me in real life, but the pictures he used were pretty shitty. My pictures, on the other hand, could easily be used as examples of the perfect human form in any sculpting class. I’m pretty sure the women on here are just intimidated by my raw masculinity and become too shy to contact me. Yeah, that’s it…

-Kevin