Having become tired of the normal old match.com articles, I’ve taken up doing themed sets. I figured this time it would be fun to look for middle aged women. How horribly, horribly wrong I was. I’m convinced now that there is nothing in the world more depressing than looking through dozens of pictures of aging, unattractive divorcees. I would seriously say that about 90% of these women said they were divorced, and about 70% said they were “looking for Mr. Right.” Well, all I can say is GOOD FUCKING LUCK, BITCHES. He doesn’t exist, and if he did, he wouldn’t want to go out with an overweight water buffalo from Ohio. However, I did my duty as a comic genius of finding a bunch of goofy looking losers for us all to laugh at to make ourselves feel better.

I decided to start off with my favorite of the bunch. She isn’t that funny when you first look, but the more you look, the funnier it gets. She’s obviously just been shot and that blank look in her eyes is her seeing every moment of her life and realizing how she wasted it all. Seconds later, she lay in a pool of blood. Pure hilarity!

Yet another person who doesn’t understand the rules for when to put a baby in a picture with you. To recap, it’s ok if the baby is cute and you’re trying to get women to have lots of animalistic sex with you. It is not ok any other time. A large woman holding some kind of Super Genius Baby definitely isn’t a good idea. I’m seriously pretty certain that’s one of the babies the Nazis cloned to control the world. That baby’s melon is almost as big as the rhinoceros woman’s. If you think I’m wrong, notice where the baby is looking. He’s not wasting his time smiling for a picture. No, he’s looking at the attack beast on the floor, planning his masterful escape from the world of civilized man. By the next day, he plans to be running a mafia in New Jersey. If you thought terrorists were bad, just wait until we’re all slaves to a super brilliant, Nazi cloned mafia crime boss. I for one welcome our new Overmind.

I’m not sure what this woman was thinking when she had this picture taken, but here’s a psychologist’s recreation of what went on in her mind:

“I’m pretty upset since Bubba-Joe left me and our 32 kids. Hey, I know, I’ll sign up for that new-fangled match.com jibba jabba! But wait…I need a picture…Where should I have it taken? Oh, of course! I’ll just go on outside and LAY DOWN IN A FUCKING SWAMP”

Seriously, though, it’s obvious that she got this picture done at Glamour Shots. What in the name of fuck were they thinking when they put her in this backdrop? To me, nothing says “beautiful and sweet” like a bitch laying in a sludge pile in the middle of a damn swamp.

Speaking of Glamwhore Shots, here’s another obvious customer. I’m not sure what cocaine addicts they hire there, but why do the women always end up in ’80s hair styles and clothing? The uninitiated might first suggest that perhaps this picture was actually taken in the ’80s. On the contrary, I’ve seen a bunch of people in my lifetime go for these pictures and they all end up this way. Fortunately, most of them didn’t also end up looking like they have down’s syndrome, as seen here.

I’ll end it with this. I will never understand why people submit photos like this. Do they look at that and think, “Some guy will definitely put his penis in my vagina after seeing this!” After all, match.com exists solely so that desperate, lonely people can find ways to use their genitals. When I look at this picture, I don’t think about vaginas. I think about puppies. Crying, lost puppies in the rain. And for that, I will hate this woman forever.

-Kevin