Here we are again. Another few months without updates and another match.com article because it’s the only thing I know how to do in life. This time, I looked up 18-25 year olds within like 20 miles of Troy, Illinois. After looking through 50 full pages of boring ugly women, these are the creme of the crop. Enjoy.

This person lives within walking distance from me, so I was drawn to read her full profile. Once I forced myself to stop wondering what’s on the tip of her nose, I came across the following:

About me and what I’m looking for

“;ike to just set at home with his arms aronf me and wach movies and stuff and like go to malls and him hold my hand we would be good for each othe and love doing stuff togher and other stuffand we would look good together and my aunt would not have o hear i so loney like when i wach date moives on tv and othe suff like that”

I’ve certainly never been a fan of having my arms aronf people and doing stuff togher, so I knew this girl wasn’t my type. However, I can’t help but laugh at the idea of her sitting around at home whining to her aunt about how lonely she is. Does that make me soulless? Yes.

This hippopotamus starts off by saying:

About me and what I’m looking for

I am fun and love to laugh and have a good time. I am very serious about my relationship with Christ and living for Him. I know the Lord has a plan for my life and I want to follow it.

Good thing she already has a relationship with her imaginary friend Jesus, because I know I’d never touch a piece of human ham that large. I find it funny that all the really disgusting people I’ve ever known were all religious. It’s like they know they have nothing else going for them in life, so they join a cult to feel a sense of belonging with all the other lunatics and rejects. I guess even a pork sausage has needs.







Ah, more baby pictures. Well, this person got it half right, half wrong. The baby on the right is all cute and smiling and just begging to be picked up and hugged. The one on the left, however, looks like she’s lost in a mall and sees her dad walking away, never to return and leaving her heartbroken and a destroyed woman who will never again be able to correctly care about a man and will end up cutting off some guy’s balls when he’s sleeping because he can’t make her feel enough like a woman.




























The classic emo-ish sad looking girl. Well actually It’s not clear what this is. It’s either emo or someone on the way to a funeral.

Few people know this, but I actually employ a crack team of professional comedians, humorists, and convicted felons here at breakspirit.com to help me write jokes when the words just won’t come to me. I took this photo to our lab for analysis and it was determined through testing that a joke could be fabricated about this photo without too much damage to the space time continuum. So, after waiting 6 to 8 weeks for the manufacturing process, Dave says, “If you look at it right, she kind of resembles the Mona Lisa in a way. But if you look at it wrong, she kind of resembles a conehead. Or Wednesday Addams.”

I think I’m paying these people too much. Of course, I pay them nothing, but with jokes like that, they should be paying ME.

Oh crap. We are seriously fucked. Someone go hide John Conner, we’ve got a Terminator on the loose. I could understand if maybe this was one of many pictures she posted, but this is actually her main profile picture. Naturally, that means that she’s a land beast and looks that way in every other picture. Robot eyes look much better than letting people see your tentacles. Because I’m such a seriously determined journalist, I dared to read her profile and discovered that this Terminator model likes to meet new people and thinks that, “A Good place to meet people are pool halls and many things like that…”

You know what’s sad about looking at this crap? It’s that I know that if I went on a date with a good number of these women, I’d feel so out of my league and I know she’d be looking for a way to get rid of me. Sure, I already have a girlfriend so I can’t do anything in life anyway, but it sucks knowing that some people are just better than yourself. Fortunately for me, my girlfriend has really low standards so I’m all set.

I also think it’s funny that I seriously felt like I was playing World of Warcraft here. I’d see so many women seeking men like ages 23-29. Well, being age 22, I was thinking “Damn it, just one more level and I’ll be able to date this Britney Of Str +2.” Oh God I’m a lonely, pathetic human being.

-Kevin