I’m currently trying to get over a massive World of Warcraft addiction, so I decided to see if I could find something new to get myself addicted to. I read message boards, I read reviews on real web sites, and I asked other degenerates I know. A lot of people told me that the “game” Second Life was highly addictive, mostly free, and could be a good time. I put “game” into “quotes” because it’s not really a game since there’s no goals, plot, fun, or anything worth doing. Instead, it’s more of a “graphical chat interface.” However, that’s not entirely accurate either, since in my experience over the last couple of weeks, there’s not really that much chatting going on.

For those of you not in the know, I should explain what Second Life is. If you already know, too fucking bad, read this anyway. Second Life is basically a program in which you create a character that can look like absolutely anything at all. For example, I spent some time talking to a Kool-Aid man in a virtual strip club. You can fly by default and pretty much go anywhere and do anything. There are lots of user-created areas you can go to, or you can be a fag and pay real life money for your own in-world land, on which you can create anything for others to come to. You pay real life money for in-game money and you can spend that for things like new shirts, wings, or a 20 inch dick. All of that stuff is created by other players, so you could create your own dicks if you really wanted to put that kinda time into it. I think that about sums it up.

I chose Second Life because in my youth, Dave and I used to spend insane amounts of time on Furcadia. Now, I really doubt any of you have ever even heard of that, so I’ll sum it up for you. It is also a graphical chat world, but you can’t be a person…You have to be a cat, dog, mouse, etc. Now, I’m sure you can guess what internet + talking animals + the ability to make your own areas equals. That’s right, lots of fucked up shit.

I got tired of fucking up my sense of reality and sexual well-being, so Dave and I quit that long ago. But, I was open to the idea of a new thing that presumably would be somewhat less horrible since you could at least be a human now. Jesus FUCKING Christ was I wrong.

First I had to make a character, which I decided to make look like me. Unfortunately, that’s either impossible or I suck at recreating myself, because I ended up with this:

That hurts my soul to look at it, but at least I usually can only see that ugly fucker from the back. Anyway, I decided to go ahead and see what there was to do on this seemingly unlimited world. So, I opened up the map and looked for the most populated place I could find. This was it:

Of course, I was instantly grossed out so I left. I would never enter an Orgy Room. Never. Anyway, I went looking for a new area. I found one that was a beach, so I went to check it out. There were some seriously hot virtual women there, such as this beauty:

And these nice people:

I went around looking for some hotties to see how these hot virtual bitches would like a real man. I found one and commenced my attack.

Turns out she was British, loved Second Life, had no real life, and looked nothing like her fake video game body.

By this point, I needed some real action. I went looking for any really interesting places. It turns out that in Second Life, you can have worlds with streaming video on walls. I’m sure you can guess where that went.

Since I don’t want my site’s host to kick me for having porn, the part of her perfect breast is played by Mr. Saturn.

Since looking at porn is something that can be done far more easily sans graphical chat interface, I see no reason to continue to be a member of Second Life. I’ll leave it installed for now, though, in case I get the urge to write another thing like this some day. However, my first two weeks of it made me feel a certain sickness inside that I haven’t felt since chat rooms were popular. For now, I will leave you with an in-game ad I saw.