It is a well known scientific fact that if you are doing anything interesting or fun, a telemarketer has to call during that time to screw it all up. Apparently someone other than me likes to sign my phone number up for all kinds of free offers, because I am regularly bombarded with telemarketer nonsense. I have learned many strategies for getting rid of them, which are listed below.

The “they’re not here” method:
telemarketer: “Hello, may I please speak to the man of the house?”
me: “Uh, they’re not here right now.”
telemarketer: “Alright, how about the lady of the house?”
me: “They’re not here either.”
telemarketer: “Well, is there anyone there with whom I can speak?”
me: “…no one is home…”
telemarketer: “…”

The reverse selling method
telemarketer: “Hello, I’m selling blah blah blah for blah blah”
me: “Oh, that’s very interesting. I’m currently selling some lovely pots and pans. I’m sure that you, like most people, are sick of having to scrub your pots so hard every night. Well, my terrific wares are coated with a material developed by NASA to resist egg sticking.”
telemarketer: “Well, I’d like to take this opportuni-”
me: “I don’t think you heard me right. NASA DEVELOPED THIS DAMN POT.”
telemarketer: “I’m sorry to have disturbed you…”*click*

The totally insane guy method
telemarketer: “Hello, I work for the fire department and we’re having our annual fund raising event this week and we were wondering if you would be interes-”
me: “My hands smell like poo.”
telemarketer: “…I see. As I was saying, We-”
me: “I put the poo there to cover the smell of blood.”
telemarketer: *click*

The ridiculous buyer method
telemarketer: “Hi, I work for Citibank and I’m calling to inform you that you have been PREAPPROVED for a citibank credit card”
me: “HOLY FUCKING SHIT! YOU CAN’T BE FUCKING SERIOUS!”
telemarketer: “…Uh yeah, I am serious. We reviewed your credit history and have determined that you have the right stuff for our credit card services. In order for us to send you your new card, we’ll need to get some information from you”
me: “Man, I can’t tell you how much this means to me. First my mom died in that fire, then my puppy got hit by all those cars on the highway. You’re a lifesaver, mister! I’ve got all these bills I need to pay, too. My other 12 cards are all maxed out, so I’m glad you’re doing this for me. Now I can afford that new widescreen TV I’ve been wanting.”
telemarketer: *click*

The angry guy method
*I answer the phone*
me: “WHAT?!”
telemarketer: “Uh…Hello there. I work for Capital One’s credit card division, and our records show that you are late on your payment this month, and-”
me: “Man, hang on a fucking second. First you call me while I’m busy, then you start fucking getting all up in my face about some credit card shit?! MOTHER FUCKER, I WILL CUT YOU.”
telemarketer: *click*

The unreasonable responses method
telemarketer: “Hello, this is a special offer to aid those who have children, live near children, or would like to have children. Does any of this sound like you?”
me: “Uh…no…”
telemarketer: Surely, sir, you at least live near children. Perhaps a neighbor has children. Our very special offer is available to help you out financially. Are you sure this does not describe you?”
me: “I don’t have kids nor does anyone around me. In fact, I’ve never even seen a child.”
telemarketer: “I see.”

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. If you think of any better ways to mess with a telemarketer, let me know and I’ll add it on here. Buenos Noches.