First of all, let me just say that I’m a big movie fan. However, I’ve never written a movie review because I felt that my opinion was either totally inline with popular opinion and thus did not need stating, or that it was so out of line with popular opinion that no one would care. I’m making an exception for Ultraviolet.

     I seriously wanted to like this movie. The commercials seemed cool enough and the environments were pretty impressive looking. I’ve also always been a fan of Milla Jovovich. Unfortunately, it seems that she skimmed through the script when she decided to be in this movie. Had she really read it, she’d have noticed it was 1 page long, written in crayon, and was a picture of a choo choo train.

     Watching this movie is like punching a baby. It’s fun for about 2 seconds, but then the experience gets bloody and… illegal. Basically, there’s just so much wrong here that it became really painful. I very seldom get tempted to turn off a movie midway through, but in the middle of Ultraviolet, I became tempted to commit ritual suicide. I don’t understand how the makers of this movie let it be released as it is.

     I also fail to understand why people in the future are fighting with swords and martial arts. Last I checked, those were both effectively nullified by the invention of guns. I was wondering why Violet wasn’t also riding on a horse and learning to use fire or some other joke that’s funnier than that.

     Ah, and I must bring up the hair. Why does it change color? Why is it conducting electricity sometimes? Why do her sunglasses have to match her hair color? Why does Violet not own any shirts that go all the way to her waist? Why am I asking so many questions? I thought long and hard about what I hated most about this movie. It took me almost one half of a second to figure it out. It was easily the kid, Six. I’d like to know what casting failure decided to put an emotionless robot child in the role and then give him an emotionless robot name. Then, I’d like to know that casting failure’s home address so I could go to his house and slap him in the balls. Then, I’d like to find the address of Cameron Bright, who played Six, and punch him in his face until either my hand or his face became totally gelatinous.

     Speaking of horrible violence, am I the only one getting sick of fight scenes in movies? I’ve only seen a few fight scenes that really impressed me and they were all in either a Matrix movie or a Jackie Chan movie. In Ultraviolet, they’re even worse than usual. Most of the time, I didn’t even know why she was fighting, much less who. The stupidest part, though, is that she can apparently kill 43 people with 1 swing of her space-sword. I guess that’s supposed to be impressive, like some loser in the audience is saying, “WHOA DUDES THAT CHICK JUST DONE SWUNGED THAT THERE SWORD AND ALL THEM FELLAS DONE GOT KILLEDED!” Maybe I would be impressed if I didn’t do the same thing every time 43 ninjas bust into my bedroom. And, just like every action movie ever made, the battle with the bad guy is far longer and he is mysteriously a master of martial arts and sword fighting. Why don’t movie makers go against the cookie-cutter action movies of the past? Why do they keep making the same movies with slightly prettier effects? I really feel like they’re not even trying anymore. Fortunately for me, I have a sixth sense about movies and I knew this one was too likely to be made entirely of shit. I chose to download it and I’m glad I saved that 7 dollars because if I’d paid to see Ultraviolet, I’d be in prison right now for mass homocide and maybe a couple of rapes or something.

     In conclusion, there are only 2 excuses for seeing this movie. Since I know no one reading this review is blind, deaf, paralyzed, and deceased, there’s only one excuse why you would see this movie. If you’re a masochist and you’re looking for the next great torture to put yourself through, then go ahead and rent Ultraviolet. If you’re really extreme, you could even purchase this film. Anyone else, though, should avoid it like the plague that I really believe it might literally be.

-Kevin